ARTICLES BY COLLEEN CHAO

Category: anxiety

anxiety

When Depression comes knocking

He could find his way to my doorstep blindfolded. He always takes the same route—by way of prolonged physical illness, sustained stress, or painful loss. Without fail, he shows up at the most inconvenient times and walks in as if he owns the place. He is that dreaded and unwelcome visitor, Depression. You don’t have to share my 25-year history with Depression to have found him on your own doorstep this year. There have been enough oppressive realities in our 2020 world to bring him knocking on anyone’s door. So if you or a loved one have felt the darkness of his presence settling in on you, I would love to speak a bit of encouragement into your heart today. Below I share a few of the ways I’ve managed Depression’s disruptive presence—and found God’s breathtaking goodness in the process. (Of course, these aren’t meant as a cure-all or substitute for professional care and medication; they are simply my own testimony of a broken but beautiful journey.) ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ When Depression comes knocking, I tell myself these four things: Be gentle with your weakness. In the past, I’ve felt fear at the onset of depression, shame for being prone to it in the first place, and even guilt for not being able to “snap out of it.” But over time I’ve experienced the gentleness of Jesus’ heart toward me in my weakness, and this has taught me to wrap my arms around my human frailty and say, “Okay, here we are again. This depression makes sense considering my circumstances. I know Jesus is with me, and I know this darkness won’t last.” The psalmist David models this acceptance-of-weakness in many of his psalms, such as this one: Although my spirit is weak within me, you know my way. (142:3) And Thomas Watson put it this way: How is a weak Christian able, not only to endure affliction, but to rejoice in it? He is upheld by the arms of the Almighty. ‘My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ (2 Corinthians 12:9) Whatever reveals our need for God and strips us of our arrogant self-reliance is a mercy. We experience more of Christ’s power in us when we are weak, and that is an indescribable gift. These days, instead of bracing myself at the first sign of depression, I gently welcome my frailty as one of the surest ways to experience more of Jesus. Keep a grateful heart. During a bout of depression, I’m prone to dark and gloomy thoughts. The difficult circumstances that summoned depression in the first place, now tempt me to drink deeply of their bitterness—and before I know it, everything about my life looks abysmal. Again, the Psalms beautifully model for me how to move from a place of toxic negativity back to a place of peace and joy. The psalmists were incredibly raw and real about their bitterness, their pain, but they knew how to not get stuck there: they thanked God in the midst of the darkness, and their Godward praise changed their hearts. Look at how this works in Psalm 71— Deliver me, my God, from the power of the wicked,from the grasp of the unjust and oppressive.For you are my hope, Lord God… As my strength fails, do not abandon me.For my enemies talk about me,and those who spy on me plot together…But I will hope continuallyand will praise you more and more. Your righteousness reaches the heights, God,you who have done great things;God, who is like you?You caused me to experiencemany troubles and misfortunes,but you will revive me again.You will bring me up again,even from the depths of the earth. My lips will shout for joywhen I sing praise to youbecause you have redeemed me.Therefore, my tongue will proclaimyour righteousness all day long. The psalmist was oppressed by enemies, his strength was failing, and he had experienced “many troubles and misfortunes,”—but he hoped in God, he praised him (“more and more”!), he recalled the great things God had done for him. His heart was full of gratitude, so instead of nursing a grudge or griping, his lips shouted for joy. Stay connected to your people. During depression, it’s easy for me to withdraw from the people I need the most. I’m mentally and emotionally tapped out, so the thought of making room for meaningful relationships is exhausting. But it’s precisely what I need, so I’ve learned to keep a few friends and family close no matter how I’m feeling—and to stay engaged with my son and husband who are such a source of strength to me. I don’t always do this well (some days of depression find me “checked out” or withdrawn), but my goal is to remain relational with a close circle of friends and family through the duration of my darkness. And let me quickly add the obvious—that in the midst of quarantines and social distancing this year, staying connected has been more difficult than ever. Zoom and Marco Polo apps are poor substitutes for the real thing. It takes far more work to be in relationship and feels far less fulfilling than pre-quarantine. But the dangers of isolation are real, so the effort is always worthwhile. As both King David and the Apostle Paul testified, the people of God are our joy and we need them! “Indeed you are our glory and joy!” (1 Thessalonians 2:20) “As for the holy people who are in the land, they are the excellent ones. All my delight is in them.” (Psalm 16:3) My capacity to remain joyfully resilient during depression is largely dependent upon my connection to the very ones who bring me great joy! Keep going to God. Depression tends to snuff out my desire for prayer and Scripture. Passages of the Bible that typically would make my heart sing, fall flat—and my prayers sound hollow. I don’t have the same experience of God’s presence. At times he feels a million miles away. In the past I’ve

Colleen Elisabeth Chao August 8, 2020

anxiety

God is with me in my panic attack

I was 25 years old when I scored my dream job—working as an editor on the outskirts of Washington, D.C. After growing up in California, I fell head-over-heels in love with the East Coast and decided I’d stay put. Until I landed in the ER at 3:00 a.m. one morning with what I thought was a heart attack. I hadn’t slept in three days and my heart was racing, burning, palpitating. Even when I lay motionless in bed, I felt like I was running a marathon. I gasped for breath. I was exhausted. Docs ran multiple tests and X-rays, but in the absence of anything conclusive they sent me on my way: “This can happen to people with long-and-thin frames like yours.” I left the ER that day with no idea how to slow my body long enough to get a few hours of sleep. Soon I had to quit my job and fly home to California. That was a dark season of my life, to be sure. And it was the beginning of a new reality for me. Eventually my “heart-attack–insomnia” bouts were diagnosed as panic attacks, and for the past sixteen years they have dotted the landscape of my life. Panic attacks have been a source of both grief and grace. Grief, because they are terrifying and painful and disorienting and exhausting. Grace, because through them God has humbled my proud heart and taught me to trust less in myself and more in Him. When Asaph says, “My flesh and my heart may fail me, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever,” I get it. Boy, do I get it. I’ve learned a lot along this broken way. I’ve been able to identify the biggest triggers for my panic attacks. I’ve come to understand the great need I have for healthy life habits. I’ve passionately pursued emotional and relational maturity in areas of my life where I’ve long been deficient. And I’ve learned that we are wholistic creatures—God made us both body and soul. Imagine sharing the gospel with a starving person without first meeting their physical needs. It would be unkind and ineffectual, to say the least. In a similar way, if you’re in the midst of panic and I tell you “Don’t be anxious for anything” before I address your physical symptoms—I ultimately fail to care for you. First let’s deal with the panic, then your heart will be calm enough to hear life-giving truth. Perhaps the most beautiful thing I’ve learned is that God is happy to be with me, even in the most terrifying moments of anxiety. He is here. He has everything I need for this. Some helpful handles God hasn’t given me a shortcut through panic. He cares more for my long-term growth than for quick-fixes that bring momentary relief but leave me unchanged. Along the way He has graciously equipped me with some very helpful handles—that minimize the frequency and severity of my panic attacks. I want to share some of these with you. I’m not a doctor, so I’ll leave issues of medication, exercise, and diet in the hands of the professionals. But these are simple means of turning to God (physically and emotionally) in order to not just survive anxiety, but to also know and love Him better through it. God is bringing much beauty out of my ashes, and if some of that beauty can spill over onto you, this 16-year journey would be well worth it. Life-giving friends Typically when I’m in the throes of panic there are layers of stressful people and circumstances in my life. Avoiding those circumstances and people may not be possible (nor even wise), but I can counterbalance them by spending extra time with joyful, life-giving friends. These are dear ones who are tender to my weaknesses and love me in all my mess. They lower their expectations. They light up when they see me. Time with them reminds me of who I am, who God is, and that there’s life beyond this panic. I notice that my heart rate slows, my shoulders relax, and my obsessive thoughts lose momentum. God has made us for joyful relationship, and the worst thing I can do when I’m navigating extreme anxiety is to isolate myself from those who love me. A thankful heart One of the greatest helps in dealing with panic has been practicing appreciation in three specific ways. I stole these from two must-read books: Joy Starts Here by Jim Wilder, and Transforming Fellowship by Chris Coursey. Appreciation memories. When I’m riddled with anxiety, I recall two specific memories of when I experienced amazing peace and joy (I’ve named them “Panera Bread” and “D.C. Trip”) and I relive them in as much detail as I can: where I was; what I smelled, heard, saw, tasted; who I was with, and so on. Doing this reminds me (1) what it feels like to be calm, (2) that God has been so good to me before, and (3) that this momentary panic is not the end of the story. List of 10. I keep a list of 10 things I’m grateful for. It includes my morning cup of coffee, the beautiful view from my bedroom window, the daily routines I enjoy with my family, and the grace I receive from my husband every day. I rehearse it when my thoughts feel panicky. The goal is to practice gratitude with such frequency (some suggest 5 minutes, 3 times a day) that my brain learns a new normal, and my body can begin to return to an appreciative and calm state more quickly over time, with practice. 3X3X3. When I’m ramped up and just can’t seem to slow down (and I’m dreading a sleepless, anxious night), just before bed I recall aloud 3 things I’m thankful for about that day, 3 things I’m thankful for about my husband, and 3 things I’m thankful for about God. This sounds ridiculously simple, but it has an immediate effect on me. A relaxed body Sometimes a full-body massage can work wonders in the midst of panic. (On a side note, Chinese reflexology offers much more affordable versions of fancy spa

Colleen Elisabeth Chao June 4, 2017

white dried and cracked ground texture with dry plants

anxiety

If you’re feeling insecure….

In his book The Importance of Being Foolish, Brennan Manning writes: “What keeps me feeling insecure are my addictive emotional needs, which must always be satisfied. When reality does not live up to my expectations, I become frustrated, angry, bitter, anxious, and resentful. “For example, say you meet me on the street and tell me you found this book to be a complete waste of your time and money. Your criticism triggers my inside programming, and I sink into a swamp of sadness, self-pity, and depression. Reality has not lived up to my expectations. I anticipated at least constructive criticism, possibly appreciation, and maybe even praise. “But you are not the one who has destroyed my inner equilibrium. I did that. “Inordinately attached to my preconception of what I need to feel secure (in this case, your approval) and willfully convinced of the way the world should run, I have needlessly deprived myself of the fruits of the Holy Spirit and the abundant life that Jesus promised. “The Lord passed through the world as a figure of light and truth, sometimes tender, sometimes angry, always just, loving, and effective, but not insecure. Spending time with those who attracted the disapproval of all, he never wavered from his desire to offer them his kingdom. “When we cling to a miserable sense of security, the possibility of transparency is utterly defeated. The kind of trust that depends on the response it receives is a bogus trust, one based only in anxiety. Jesus Christ calls us to hand over our autonomous selves in complete confidence. Only when that decision is ratified . . . are transparency, certainty, and peace achieved.” Searching my own heart Manning’s insight is like a merciful mirror for my soul: Am I expecting others to satisfy my gnawing appetite for understanding, affirmation, and security? Am I too easily affected by others’ responses to me? No matter how close a friend might be, no human being was created to satisfy the cravings of my heart. Instead, these cravings are beautiful invitations to enter into Christ’s presence and find what I need in him. To put it rather humorously…. So the McD’s chicken nugget wasn’t a juicy steak. What did you expect? Don’t hate on the nugget—you’re just trying to fill up on the wrong meal. Let that poor little nugget make you all the more thankful for the fancy steak dinner at your fingertips! Who’s the chicken nugget in your life? Who are you putting God-shaped expectations on? Who are you letting “destroy your inner equilibrium”? Instead of grudging over their shortcomings and expecting them to be who they cannot be, let their human frailty highlight God’s jaw-dropping goodness. Go to God and get your heart filled up. (Here is one sweet and simple way of doing that.) Our frantic attempt to find security in one another is not only an anxiety-inducing relationship buster, but it is also proof that God is who we need most. “Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides You.” Psalm 73:25

Colleen Elisabeth Chao March 8, 2017

anxiety

The election, the holidays, and a mouthful of praise

I’ll admit: the holiday season can put me on edge. But this year it’s not just the frenzy of festivity that looms large on the horizon. The countdown to this election is a wee bit stressful as well. Can I get a witness? So this past week I’ve been amping up my “peaceful practices.” One of my favorite ways to color myself calm in the midst of stress is to tell stories of God’s goodness in my life. Like this one…. My friends Cara and Melissa have entered into our family’s food-allergy-ridden diet and cared for us in ways that have brought me to tears on more than one occasion. They’ve actually cried with me when I’ve shared how food allergies can isolate my son Jeremy in social settings. They’ve thought in advance of an event where Jeremy might feel left out and have prepared food for him so I didn’t have to. They’ve stocked the kids’ class at church with the one “candy” Jeremy can eat so he has a treat like the rest of the kids. Not only that, but when I’ve thanked them through tears for all their kindnesses, they’ve said, “You guys are family, and Jeremy is so special to us.” I cannot begin to describe what a balm to my heart these precious friends are. This practice is so simple, yet so sweet. By describing to someone God’s goodness to me, my own heart is cheered, quieted, and strengthened. I literally feel my whole body relax. I experience a calm and joy that are a direct result of sharing my appreciation aloud. To quote the incomparable Lewis: I think we delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not merely expresses but completes the enjoyment; it is its appointed consummation. It is not out of compliment that lovers keep on telling one another how beautiful they are; the delight is incomplete till it is expressed. Body, brain, and soul, we are created to enjoy what is true, honorable, just, pure, pleasing, excellent, and praiseworthy. (See Philippians 4:8.) But we live in a world that celebrates duplicity, death, anger, shame, and self-worship. To give voice to God’s beauty in my life helps me overwhelm the darkness with light. So here’s an idea for us as we enter into the holidays and count down to this election. What if between now and November 8 we take time each day to tell a detailed story of God’s goodness to us? We can share with someone via phone call, FaceTime, audio message, or best of all—in person! There’s another habit similar to story-telling that also helps calm my anxious heart. In his book Transforming Fellowship: 19 brain skills that build joyful community, Chris Coursey tells of how he and his wife practice “3x3x3” before falling asleep at night: First, identify three things from your day that you feel thankful for. Give examples and take turns sharing. Next, identify three qualities you appreciate about the other person. Last, name three qualities about God you feel thankful for. I am struck by the simplicity of the exercise, but I feel grateful for the results! We feel better, lighter, calmer and safer. (And to state the obvious, you don’t have to be married to do this. Find a friend or roommate who also needs this kind of peaceful, grateful encouragement!) Dear one, in one way or another let’s keep talking about God’s loving kindness to us. Let’s overwhelm anxiety with appreciation. Let’s drown out the din of doomsday predictions with a mouthful of praise. Because God is that good (and He’s got it all figured out). “I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; I will recount all of your wonderful deeds.” Psalm 9:1

Colleen Elisabeth Chao October 25, 2016